i feel like i'm satan in a sunday hat

school was fun while it lasted. never could say i wasn't a bright student. one of the best at highschool. not the best at uni, but still, good. now that it's all over, my academic persuit (for now) at least, i'm afraid age has made me dumber. like i've lost my balls somehow along the way. maybe it was going to an artsy major. insecurity kicked in.

i used to love looking at photographs. and feeling something. not necessarily knowing what it meant. what it was for. even what was depicted. just experiencing it. apparentely that's not something one learns at school. we are told there are these artists who should matter more to us, educated folks, than those others we see floating around the web. because these artists are really artists, and those others not.
well, i don't fit into the artist type. now what?

yesterday i heard something richard zimmler wrote in one of his books, it goes a little something like this: we spend our lives living in the shadow of the person we could have been.
it's only starting to hit me now, how the choices we make, how the opportunities we don't seize, how the stuff we let pass us by or not ends up creating this weird path there's no turning back from.
the writer continued to say, "i am now a writer, i love my work, i am so grateful, but in truth i could have been a basketball player (he loves it so it seems) and so many other things." he's 54. the same age my mom is. and although she isn't really upset that she chose to live her life to raise her kids, i do feel she has just realised how many things she's missed in her life that she would otherwise have if she didn't gave up her job to raise us, if she'd travelled and mantained a close group of friends and so on.

up until now, my life has been much planned and thought out. i mean, every child is supposed to go to school, and then once we become teenagers we are expected to graduate and until this point it's all great and peachy. it's easy. we know what to do. what to be. then college. that's where things start to go downhill. i got into journalism. i was supposed to love it. i hated it. i've always been more of a dreamer and way more into fiction than reality. guess literature should have been my pick. i thought philosophy. but soon found out it is mostly a bunch of people trying to impose their ideas on others. it's definetely interesting as a solitary ride, but stressing over ego trips isn't an adorable way to spend time. at least not for me. so i stuck to art. a year had passed and i thought... you love to stare at pictures. why not?

Although everything's now a big mess and i just feel like i've gotten out of my higher education with no substancial knowledge to get myself a job, i'm giving it time hoping it will start to feel different in a while. maybe, it's just a phase.

kicking things off with music.